The Pault KeeperHey everyone, the Pault Keeper here!   Did you see the Friday the 13th remake this weekend?  If not, why the heck not?  It was a great movie!

It got me thinking…you know, these Platinum Dunes guys know where it’s at.  They know how to make a pretty dang good remake.  I dug The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hitcher, and now Friday the 13th.  If they can do such a good job, why are we so afraid of remakes?  Let’s be honest…some of our loving horror franchise classics could use the tender loving touch of a remake.  So, I thought I would present to you the list of horror franchises most needing the reboot love!  I call this tale…

Reemake Madness 2!

LeprechaunLeprechaun

Let’s be honest…we all love the little bastard.  Warwick Davis’ Leprechaun character is memorable, funny, and incredibly creepy.  Problem is that they seem to keep putting this character in crappy movies.  Now I’ll admit, it’s on my bucket list to see a double feature of Leprechaun in the Hood and Leprechaun Back 2 The Hood before I die.  But we’re talking about a franchise that went to space on it’s FOURTH installment!  Of course, Hellraiser did that too, I guess.  But, unlike that film, who’s director didn’t even want his name on it (Alan Smithee…look it up), Leprechaun 4 in Space was an enjoyable piece of junk, just like the rest of the series.  No one can say that the Leprechaun series wasn’t at least fun.  Now, the trick would be to take that fun spirit of these films and actually make a GOOD film.

WarlockWarlock
I know there were only 2 of these…oh wait, there were 3.  Has anyone seen the third?  It didn’t have Julian Sands, so I didn’t care.  That’s like recasting Candyman.  The first Warlock was directed by Steve Miner, and it was about the titular warlock escaping the gallows and jumping 300 years into the future into modern day Los Angeles. The Warlock has to find the scattered pieces of a Devil’s Book that will reveal the true name of God and (of course) destroy mankind. Like I said, I never saw Part 3, but the first two were well acted, well written, and really suspenseful.  Kinda rare when it comes to religious horror, don’t you think?

The ProphecyThe Prophecy
Ha, speaking of crappy religous horror…The Prophecy is one of those films that developed a cult following based on a great concept.  Angels in heaven fighting their battle on earth.  Great concept, and with Christopher Walken, Virginia Madsen, and Casey Jones (er…Elias Koteas), this should have knocked it out of the park.  Heck, it was even directed by the dude who did Highlander!  Still, budgetary restraints crippled this film, and turned it into a boring, dragging piece that relied too much on Walken’s quirkiness, when really all we wanted were angels and demons beating the hell (ha) out of each other.  With a decent budget and a new, quirky character actor to take on Walken’s role, this series could definitely use a reboot.

Nightmare on Elm StNightmare on Elm St
Yes, they’re doing a reboot and thankfully it’s in the competent, capable hands of Platinum Dunes, who’ve yet to make a film I didn’t like.  Oh…wait…Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.  Well, other than that, they’re really great.  I keep hearing Billy Bob Thornton is going to play Freddy Krueger, but based on official sources, that’s not true.  I hope it’s not, because man…that would be balls.  However, you know who would be great?  BEN FOSTER!!!!!!  Anyway, watching the original, I couldn’t help but feel it’s time to redo this one.  Sure, it’s great.  Sure, it stands the test of time pretty well.  But the only way to continue this franchise is to reboot it, methinks.  We all love Robert Englund, but once you crossover with another franchise, it’s time to close up shop (sorry AvP).

Child's PlayChild’s Play
Other than part 3, I think Child’s Play has been the most consistently enjoyable horror series on this list.  Part 1 was great, part 2 was even better, part 3 was (coughcoughcough), and Bride and Seed of chucky, though completely different, were excellent flicks.  Still, once you turn your horror films into comedies, it’s time to wrap it up and start over.  From what I hear, they’re doing just that, starting over with a darker take on Chucky!  I’ll sure miss Tiffany and Glen though :-(.

Fright NightFright Night
Remember when they said they were going to remake this and the remake sounded just like that old movie Funhouse?  Yeah, no one wanted that.  No one seems to want a remake of this film, either, but dang, it really could use one.  The film doesn’t hold up well over time and most nobody born after 1985 has even heard of the film.  Which is really a shame.  Take CW’s Supernatural, but mix it with a bit of that Reaper humor, and you have the perfect recipe for a great movie series.  Heck, maybe that’s the problem – maybe Fright Night would make a great TV series.

HalloweenHalloween
Yeah, I know they rebooted it, but dammit…do it again!  I preferred it when Michael Myers was driven by the curse of the thorn, a pagan symbol that caused him to be the ultimate killing machine.  Anything better than what they did to him in the remake.  My gosh, how awful was that?  Halloween was my absolute favorite of the slasher franchises until the remake.  Now I’m dreading H2.  I mean, seriously?  H2?  Ugh.

Monster SquadMonster Squad
I know there was only one film, so it really can’t be considered a franchise, but still.  It CAN be a franchise.  We’re all trying to figure out what the heck is going to be the next Harry Potter, putting out kids films that, for lack of a better term, SUCK.  This is a great idea and, with the right kids, can be the next big thing.  Especially if they keep it as borderline adult as the original film dude.  I’ve heard rumours of a remake…we’ll just see how it goes.

Evil DeadEvil Dead
Okay…we all love Bruce Campbell.  But come on…we’re never, EVER going to see Evil Dead 4.  Just start over.  From what I hear, Raimi did a good job with his new film Drag Me To Hell, and thank goodness they didn’t cast that Juno chick.  Aren’t we all sick of her?  Anyway, restart it, make it scary, cast someone charismatic, Bruce can do a cameo.  You can even just jump to medieval times in part 2 instead of waiting till part 3 this time around.

SubspeciesSubspecies
I mean, any fan of Subspecies will tell you they’d rather see Subspecies 5 than a reboot of the series, but I’d love it if Full Moon was given a little bit of money to play with this.  It’s like Hostel with vampires.  A group of college chicks go to a foreign country, meet a mysterious stranger, mayhem ensues.  Except that, instead of disgusting rape and torture like is so common nowadays, we were treated with the great performance of Anders Hove as Radu the vampire.  Vampire’s are big now.  Strike while the iron’s hot, Charles Band!

Puppet MasterPuppet Master
Another Full Moon franchise that we all loved as kids.  Remember how we were all looking forward to them handing the Demonic Toys their asses?  Then that movie ended up being rated PG-13?  Garbage.  Puppet Master can be like Valkyrie with puppets.  Everyone wants to see puppets killing nazis.  I mean, sure, that only happened in flashbacks, and the main storyline were mostly centered in modern times, but man…puppets killing Nazis!

William Castle Triple Feature:

Dear Dark Castle,
Please stop making sh*tty films.  Please go back to making remakes of William Castle movies.  He did like a million movies.  You’ve only remade two.
Sincerely,
The Pault Keeper

Macabre Macabre
In Macabre, a doctor’s daughter has been kidnapped and buried alive. When this film came out, a certificate for a $1,000 life insurance policy from Lloyd’s of London was given to each customer in case he/she should die of fright during the film. Showings also had fake nurses stationed in the lobbies and hearses parked outside the theater.  Come on…we need the spectacle back in cinema.  If we had stuff like this to look forward to at the theaters, people wouldn’t wait till DVD for these films to come out.  The storyline is prime for a modern remake.  I mean, we’ve seen the story done a million times on CSI and Bones and tv shows like that.  But with the humor and violence of a Dark Castle film?  Imagine Taken was a Tales from the Crypt movie.  Exactly.

The TinglerThe Tingler
Vincent Price, who is always Vincent Price, no matter what the character’s name is, discovers that the tingling of the spine in states of extreme fear is due to the growth of a “tingler”—a spinal parasite which can kill the host unless it is destroyed by screaming. Someone finds out this theory and makes it so that his mute wife, who obviously cannot scream, is frightened to death. Vincent Price removes the Tingler during an autopsy from the wife’s spine and the creature escapes!  I mean…damn.  Have you ever read an idea as cool as that?  Even cooler was that the movie was “filmed in Percepto,” which basically meant that some seats in theatres showing The Tingler had joy buzzers attached to the underside of the seats. When the Tingler in the film escaped, the buzzers were activated and the movie encouraged people to scream, or else the Tingler would get them!

Mr. SardonicusMr. Sardonicus
Sardonicus tries to rob his father’s grave for a winning lottery ticket. Somehow, his face gets frozen in a horrific grin (don’t remember if that’s really explained.  I doubt it).  He captures a doctor and tried to force him to cure him.  When this film came out, audiences were allowed to vote in a “punishment poll” before the ending of the film.  William Castle popped up on screen and said to hold a card up – one side would decide that Sardonicus lived, the other would decide he would die.  Still, only one ending was ever shown (yeah, he died).  So…we keep hearing about films that they want to send out with different endings – it was promised to us for Freddy vs. Jason.  So why not release two different versions of the movie – one where Sardonicus lives, another where he dies?  I can imagine fans creating lists of locations to see each version.

So what say you, gore fiends?  What horror franchises do you think could benefit from a good remake/reboot?

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