You know you’re in for a treat when you’re already laughing at a movie during the previews.  And I don’t mean that the trailers screened before The Twilight Saga: New Moon were actually for comedies.  It’s that two of them had Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia and Jennifer’s Body), and both were about writing letters to loved ones who go away.  I don’t know when Seyfried became the “letter love movie” gal, but it just kind of cracked me up.  And then there was the trailer where Robert Pattinson (Team Edward) plays a rebel who falls in love with a crazy chick and Pierce Brosnan (who plays his dad) doesn’t approve.  Oh, and the one with Zac Effron playing a kid who falls for the same chick as Oscar Wilde.  Man…I couldn’t imagine half of the stories that comprise these movies.  I guess that’s why I don’t make the big bucks.

I think my wife was pissed off at me with all the questions I asked after seeing The Twilight Saga: New Moon (and yes, I’m going to type the full title out every time, just because it’s annoying).  Like, “why doesn’t the dad vamp just dye his hair gray so people think he’s getting older?  Why do they keep having to move?  It’s not like they can just move somewhere and automatically be rich just because they’re vampires.  Do vampires shower?  If they can’t shed tears, how can they have orgasms?  Can they have orgasms?  Why is Bella such a bitch?  Why the f*ck did you make me watch that?”

There’s oh so much more after the jump!

I had even made a deal with the wife.  She could drag me to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and I would drag her to a comic convention.  After seeing The Twilight Saga: New Moon though, I was drained of energy, and I think my inner child probably slit his wrists, so I went home, crouched into a little ball in the corner, and cried, praying that Team Jacob would come and put me out of my misery in all of his crappy CG-werewolf wizardry.  The Virginia Comicon would have to survive my absence, as I had just survived a traumatic event – a cinematic rape, even.  (there’s a quote for the cover of the Blu-Ray edition)

I mean, I do mean this in jest.  Whatever cred I lose by saying that The Twilight Saga: New Moon isn’t half as horrible as everyone says it is is probably cred I didn’t have in the first place, since I gave Blood and Chocolate and G.I. Joe halfway decent reviews.  The Twilight Saga: New Moon isn’t quite the cinematic equivalent of having your salad tossed, but it probably is a little bit like listening to Nine Inch Nails The Downward Spiral during sex.  There’s some genuinely good bits in there, but there’s also that overwhelming urge to kill yourself too.

I would go into the story of The Twilight Saga: New Moon, but there’s a pretty good chance you probably don’t give a crap.  Still, Cliff Notes edition: Team Edward dumps Bella, she uses Team Jacob to fill the Edward sized hole, but Team Jacob is a square peg and Team Edward was a circle hole.  Team Edward decides to kill himself because he thinks Bella died, and Bella dumps Team Jacob to save the life of Team Edward.  Team Jacob is sad, Team Edward lives and gets the crazy chick (only after vampire wrestling with the Imperial Guard), and the crazy chick smiles for the first time in 130 minutes.  Oh, and “marry me.”  The end.  Roll credits, play emo music, cue clapping and collective male groaning.

It’s not like we haven’t seen this story done, and better.  And there are some decent ideas, and (gasp!) some decent acting in the movie.  The problem is that all the good stuff takes a back seat to depression and stalkerish behavior that we’re supposed to find romantic.  If I dumped a girl (cuz that’s how I roll) and she takes a walk into the middle of the woods and sits for four months in her room and screams every night because I meant THAT much to her … shit, it’s a good thing I ran when I did!  I mean, Edward used to watch Bella sleep every night – that would creep me out.  And then, after like a week together, she asks to become a vampire so they can be together for HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS?  Sheeeeeeeiiiiitttt.  Hell naw.

The good stuff mostly comes when Team Edward tries to off himself.  He goes to the Volturi, the governing body of the vampire race or something.  Dakota Fanning has telekinesis that causes people to hurt and her brother (Leech from X-Men: The Last Stand) apparently has some power too, but we never see it.  Still, the shining point of the film is Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon and Underworld) as Aro.  Man…this guy is awesome.  I hope they paid him a lot of money to be in this film.  Him and Fanning, in their five minutes of screen time, manage to be the best things in this overly long film.

But the problem is that almost everyone else sucks.  I mean, Team Jacob (Taylor something) can’t really act well, but at least he’s likeable.  But the problem is that he’s so likeable, than when Bella dumps him and uses him for pretty much the entirety of the film, we end up hating her, and she’s supposed to the protagonist!  I really don’t have much to say about Kristen Stewart other than…ugh.  She’s quickly becoming a reason for me not to see a film.  Robert Pattinson needs to do a film with Kevin Smith or something.  I’m beginning to think all he can do is act emo, and I know that’s not him in real life.  I hope it’s not … because, if it is, he’s totally wasting his time being emo when he could be having Twilight fan orgies in his house every night.  Ah…youth is wasted on the young.  Bella’s dad does pretty good being likeable, and so does her cute little friend (Anna Kendrick – call me!).  Ashley Greene, sadly, remains clothed for the entirety of the film.  And I won’t even talk about Peter Facinelli.  I’m pissed every time I see that guy in something that doesn’t involve Bill Belamy, Tiffani Thiessen, fast cars, gun shots, and explosions.  Just a waste of good talent!

When I heard Chris Weitz was going to pick up directing reigns from whoever the hell f*cked up the first film in this series (I forget her name and I don’t like her enough to look her name up), I was pretty excited.  I mean, maybe Team Jacob would get over Bella being such a tease by humping a pie?  But then I remembered he also directed About a Boy and The Golden Compass and preceeded to lose hope.  However, he does a million times better than the director of the original (still not looking it up!) and the film, save for the GOD AWFUL CG werewolves, actually looks good.  I know…shocker, right?

Still, I’m not the target audience of this film.  That much is evident in the fact that Star Trek had a shot of a girl in her underwear ten minutes in, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon contains not a single underwear shot, bra, or sideboob.  I’m not going to give a numerical score to The Twilight Saga: New Moon.  It’s fun to make fun of it’s awfulness, but the fact of the matter is that half of the crap we enjoy would be viewed by that audience as just as ludicrous.  Ultimately, it does its job of pleasing its target audience well, and that’s really all that matters right?  Meanwhile, I watched Santa’s Slay the other day (with Bill Goldberg) while my wife tried to read her book, but found difficulty in it because I insisted she sit on the couch with me while we watched.  So I got my revenge.