It’s a sad state of affairs when I realize that the first movie review we’ve had on the site in a while is for a friggin’ Twilight movie.  Either I’m not seeing enough movies…or I’m not seeing anything worth talking about.

The new Twilight movie, Eclipse, was released this week, and has already been touted as “The Best Twilight movie!” and “The best movie of the summer,” neither of which really seems like stellar praise to me.  Not only that, every review I’ve read has seemed to indicate that director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) has made a “good” Twilight film, and have really emphasized how “great” the final battle sequence is in the film.  I have one thing to say to all of those reviewers….

Shame on you.

Shame.  On.  You.

The final battle in question amounts to less than five minutes of slow motion computer generated wolves (which still look crappy, by the way) fighting teenage vampires, who somehow now break apart like glass, even though they’re supposedly REALLY strong.  I mean, I guess I shouldn’t have expected much, but when I read about “flying body parts,” I instantly imagine the Michael Bay Pearl Harbor director’s cut, or Kill Bill.  Instead I get what looks like the equivalent of popping out the arms of your He-Man action figure and throwing it across the room.

So I’m probably going to ruin the hell out of this film but, really, you’re kind of in one of two categories when it comes to Twilight movies – either you already know how they end, or you don’t give a crap.

In Eclipse, Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is still pissed that Team Edward killed her boyfriend in the first Twilight, and she wants to kill Bella to get revenge.  She keeps trying to sneak into town, and they stop her.  So instead, she builds up an army of newborn vampires (stronger because they still have human blood in them, as if that makes sense) to storm Forks (the town where all this sh*t takes place) and take out the Cullens and Bella.

See?  I'm not exagerating!
See! I'm not exagerating!

I’m not the audience for this film – I can’t say that enough.  I mean, I like romantic movies, and I like vampires and werewolves…but this is not a film made for me.  I took my wife to see the last night, and promised myself I wouldn’t do anything to take away from my wife’s enjoyment of the film.  Still, there is a scene where Bella is hiding out from the bad vamps and she’s freezing (more on that later).  Team Edward can’t warm her up cuz, well, he’s dead.  So Shirtless Jacob has to come in, shirtless, and snuggle her while Eddie watches.  After she falls asleep, Team Edward and Shirtless Jacob have a nice little chat that can be summarized with “if Bella wasn’t here, we’d be buds.”  But the way they’re talking and smiling and laughing, I couldn’t help but lean over to Becca and say “they’re gonna do it.”  Sadly, it’s also one of the halfway decently acted and written scenes in the film.

So how awful was Eclipse for someone like me?

Eclipse is so awful, I had chest pains while watching it.

Eclipse is so awful that the most romantic scene in the film was between two dudes.

Eclipse is so awful, I was actually wishing that it had Zac Efron in it, instead of Robert Pattinson.

Eclipse is so awful that I’d rather see Step Up 3D.

Eclipse is so awful that I realized I had this huge grin on my face about fifteen minutes into the film.  I thought about it, and was unsure where this grin came from – I certainly wasn’t enjoying the film, or seeing the characters.  I honestly believe that the film was eating away at my brain, causing me to smile uncontrollably.  Temporary Twilight Insanity, as it were.

Eclipse is so awful that my wife asked me to stop thinking about it because, while we were trying to sleep, every couple of minutes I would burst into random fits of laughter.

Here are some of the thoughts that crossed my mind during my Temporary Twilight Insanity:

  • Every time I see Peter Facinelli without Bill Bellamy and Tiffani Amber-Thiesen, I die a little inside.
  • So apparently Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) has experience fighting newborn vampires, and gathers all the wolves and the Cullens together to train them on how to fight.  His training amounts to “don’t turn your back on your enemy” and “don’t let them kill you.”  Seriously…there’s nothing specific about actually fighting newborn vampires.  So…wtf?
  • Are all the Cullens ex-mass murderers?  If so…what happened to make them all nice and friendly?  Is that ever explained?  Or did they just wake up one day being good?
  • So in the scene I mentioned above with Bella, Shirtless Jacob, and Team Edward in the tent…apparently Shirtless Jacob has to carry Bella to the tent to disguise her scent.  But Team Edward goes to the tent too.  And they’re all surprised when Victoria follows his scent to the tent.  Ummm…duh?  Maybe Shirtless Jacob should have carried him too.
  • Not a scene from Eclipse.

    So if vampires and werewolves have such repulsing scents to each other … hmmm … the werewolves visit the vampires’ house and the vampires visit the werewolves’ house.  Do they have to Febreeze the hell out of everything after their mortal enemies leave?

  • Why do vampires crack like glass when killed?  When did this get established?
  • I don’t understand why they took Bella to the top of a snowy mountain to hide her from vampires.  One, it’s still outside, so I’m pretty sure that, regardless of werewolf stank and Team Edward stank, she might still be able to be tracked by scent.  Not only that, but, ya know, it’s snowy as f*ck and she’s freezing to death.  What was wrong with a hotel room guarded by a werewolf?
  • So the werewolves describe “imprinting” as not being able to live without someone – that the entire world revolves around the person they’ve imprinted.  Umm…it sounds just like love.  So what’s the difference?  Not only that, real wolves imprint for purposes of mating … I’m pretty sure it’s not like it’s described in the movie.  Just sayin’.
  • Team Edward jacks up Bella’s car so that she can’t visit Shirtless Jacob.  My wife says that this action was romantic.  I asked her if me slashing her tires to keep her from seeing other men would be romantic, and she wasn’t sure.  Team Paul loses again.
  • Why is Ashley Greene hot everywhere EXCEPT in this series?  How do they “unhot” her so successfully?
  • How is it that Victoria can’t get into town, but her one vampire general dude got into town, into Bella’s house, and stole some of her sh*t with no problem?
  • How did Team Edward biting Victoria on the neck cause her head to crack off?
  • Team Edward is “old fashioned” and wants to wait until marriage to get with the weird vampire sex.  But like even heavy petting and oral sex is off.  So…yeah…Team Edward needs to loosen up.
  • In the first film, didn’t they say Jasper was relatively newborn and was having a hard time adjusting to not eating people?  In this film, he got turned during the CIVIL WAR, even before Edward and most of the rest of the Cullen clan.  So….what?
  • The werewolves apparently stay in wolf form around the vampires because they don’t trust them.  However, to communicate, Edward has to read their minds and translate their responses.  So apparently they trust vamps to read their minds, but not to listen to them actually speak.
  • Does Edward really think that gaudy fashion jewelry is an appropriate engagement ring?

I could seriously come up with plot holes and questions about this film for the rest of my life.  Eclipse turned me into Sherlock Holmes – no stone can be left unturned in the mystery of how this film is supposed to make sense.  Yeah…I’m harsh on it, and yes, I knew I would hate it going in.  But dammit…do they have to make it so hard for me to like these films?